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Maha Bodhi School, Victoria School, Anderson JC, LASALLE College of the Arts

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Saturday, July 22, 2006
I dun want to study, i want to die.
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 3:24 PM --- Post#115355307602362192

你不想知道老师说么? 其实头头尾尾还有三个月, 你要拼的话还来得及,不会fail得那么惨. 你已经这么大了, 要生要死靠你自己, 我们逼你也没有用, 只可以从傍帮你. 你一个computing 的同学已经在拼了, 老师讲他成绩在进步…”

That’s what my mom told me. I had been avoiding my parents because I really do not want to know what my teachers told my dad, even though I have got a rough idea on the “standard” things they say.

For those damned authorities spying my blog, you SHOULD read this entry.

For the sake of those who dun really understand Chinese, the teachers said that there is 3 months left, if I pia, then I dun fail so miserably. I choose my path, life or death is entirely up to me, the others can only support me. One of my computing friends is pia-ing liao, and his results are improving. Cant understand singlish as well. Oh too bad then.

Going to JC is a wrong choice for me. Going to AJC is nothing but an invitation to Hell (Nooo…dun insult Hell). No offence here, but that’s what I think. Its Hell for me at least, for the others I dunno. Dun come kao pei about freedom of speech, I had enough of it in GP.

Ever since O’s finished, I told myself, “this kind of nightmare is over, not coming again. No more Social Studies and no more A-Math. JC is gonna be a “free-er” place, less of those teachers nagging stuff. I should go Poly, more life and flexibility there, more for me, Mr You and the other teachers all think so as well. But nvm I shall give 1st three months JC a try. There is computing course! Yes, a subject built right for me!”

So I looked at the list of JC and chose AJC, the nearest to my L1R5 11 aggregate score. In the 1st three months, I was quite happy with the school, and I stayed. But after that, life is a horror. I started to realize what my J2 seniors told me is true. They all told me to leave here right after 1st three months, but I dint heed their advice.

So Econs is totally like Social Studies. That day Ka Chou told me “U dropped econs ah, aiya I knew it, you this kinda person surely dun like SS kinda subjects one!” Ya I dropped econs, but I cant drop math. Its worse than A-math. Deep down in me the hatred for math started since Primary school, where you need to complete 50 questions (of which 15 are problem sums) within one and a half hours. E-math was much more fun, less stress and less wordy, problems come in various form involving case studies kind of problem sums which you have your calculator. A-Math was horrible, lines and lines of algebra in thick texty form.

As everyone know, I dint have a pleasant time in AJC as well. I dun even have someone to confront when im in no good mood. Sometimes my humor was deemed as offensive whereas it created an uproar of laughter with some other bunch of people. And it seemed so wrong I dun like sports and im the geek of the earth because I took the never-heard-of Computing and the WTF DnT in Secondary school. Girls, hmmm, I hate them, eyesore to me for some bimbos. The rest were OK. People often make me depress in school. I dunno why, prolly something cock up in my character and attitude. Maybe im too guai lan, but well that’s my way of being different from the rest and creative.

The teachers were MORE grumpy here. They aint friendly at all, they are just…teachers. I dun see the “loving part” of teachers here anywhere! They teach they go, they ask u buck up, scold you and that’s it. They dint bother to find out more about you, they dint bother to show concern for non-academic part. They dint bother to spend time interacting with us. I cant blame them, partly its due to the lack in time in finishing the syllabus. Partly there are A LOT of generation gap thingy.

Every morning I ask myself “what am I doing here?” when im in school. How does all these math and physics and GP helps in so call “my future”? I want to be a graphic designer, or maybe even a DJ or sound engineer. If not I dun mind jobs like taxi driver or a kart selling in Parco.

In all I just want to be happy, and obviously im NOT. At times I will suddenly break into a sudden depression. Its like im ok then suddenly something I see or something I hear or just a gush of random feelings make me so depressed that I will start to become very afraid of everything around me and very afraid to talk to anyone and start doodling. If im at home I will stare at the ceiling, lying on the floor. I will feel very very much like crying and start to get a lot of headaches as my mind feel that its gonna explode soon while all those threads of thoughts are streaming way too fast inside.

Sometimes I think im mad. But will a mad man admits he is mad? It seems like I have a damn clear concept of what is right and wrong and what I should do. A lot of times I know what im doing is VERY WRONG, very psychotic, very perverse, very abnormal, but well, I have to do it cos its me? Dunno.

See how Hellish the JC is? See? Can see anot? Number one, im tired of the same kinda schooling system and exams similar kind of subjects after O’s, Number two I should go Poly but parents dun agree (4got to mention this earlier), Number three no social happiness, Number four the teachers are so cold.

These all de-motivate me. Whats the point of studying here? So what if I get all A’s for A level? I get into a uni and so???? The same vicious cycle REPEATS itself in Uni! Same mugging, cold people there and stuff… It never ends. Do I really get happiness in getting the cert? Even I get my A’s, can I survive NS? Its so torturing. Fine, im weak, im stupid, no perseverance, NOTHING! I have no personal qualities to write on!

I want to break free from all these. I want something simplier, something more meaningful. All these certs, exams, results, are not MEANINGFUL to me AT ALL. Ironically, authorites refer all these to MY FUTURE. Except for computing, becos that’s my passion.

Stop freaking tell me to “you must try to be interested lor”. There is NO WAY for me to bluff myself into getting interested in Math, physics or GP when I freaking HATE THEM TO THE CORE. NO WAY! I dun believe in bluffing myself to like something I dun like. Yes, for an event, for a person I can try to like it. For a subject in this kina educational system? No!

Under all these depression and tension, I seriously feel like giving up all those. Its not “giving up” as those are not of my choice in the beginning. I dun feel like studying. I already gave the teachers alot respect. I dun disturb the rest, I try to hand in my work, I be courteous to them, dun create too much trouble to them. I know they are doing their job.

Now and then, I had developed a habit of saying “thank you” when im patronizing those neighbourhood stores. Im buying stuff from them, they should thank me, but I will thank them before I even receive my food or stuff. I thank the  auntie who cleared my table in the hawker center. Why? Because one day in near future, I have a high possibility of being one of those “low class” jobs of cleaning toilet or driving taxi or selling noodles, and then I wish my customers will be courteous as well.

The End.

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