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Sunday, January 14, 2007
Sorry, thats Mr Zombie
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 4:25 PM --- Post#432972238791303762

Ok, i dunno who is gonna read this blog, so for privacy sake, i shall name two persons Alpha and Beta in my section.

Both Alpha and Beta are nice peeps. Alpha is actually quite normal normal...well, like to joke around sometimes to keep things alive in bunk. But Alpha seem to be overly-anxious about some particular events in NS. Overly anxious....so anxious that he will keep recurring the event in his mind and get overly stressed about it. Sounds abit like me actually.

Beta is a quiet guy. Loves literature and all the classics. Being innocent and guai(1), he seldom goes the "lame way", nor fancy about disturbing and making fun or particular ppl or events. But this Beta is actually quite emotional. And due to some cultural difference, he dun seem to be able to express himself well to the others. Meaning he keep all his feelings to himself.

There was this day Alpha was praying hard he wun get the guard duty on Sat. Becos if that particular Sat is burnt, it will be another two weeks later before you get a good book out and rest, cos the next week is field camp, and gotta be confined in tekong. Somehow or rather, the Mr. Unlucky found him. Alpha got the guard duty. He was simply shocked. Being overly-anxious...he dint noe what to do.

The thing is inside his mind, the idea that his weekend will be burnt is killing him. The idea recurred again and again which eventually brought him to a state of "zombification". This also worsen his poor health at that point of time. He coughed more and ached more all over. Finally he cannot take it anymore and went to report sick. Sure enough, he dint "chao geng", he was really really sick. He got Att B, meaning off all hectic duties, including the Sat guard duty.

So who knows...Beta was called up to stand in for him. Previously, Beta was already mentally unstable. Things like the tough PT and the rolling in mud field simply put him off. He hated his stay in tekong enuff liao. So when Beta was informed he has to burnt his weekend for Alpha, he was stumped. He dint noe how to express himself, he just quietly accepted the fact.

Alpha dint feel good either. Becos the others labelled him as a black sheep who put off his duty and inconvinenced others. But he knew himself he was really sick and forced to the point of explosion. He really regretted everything. So he decided to apologise to Beta sincerely. He was sincere, Beta never really blamed him also. But Beta, like Alpha detested the idea of burning such an important weekend.

As the day goes by, all the mud and sweat and dirt kicks in, until a point he let out a sharp hysterical scream in the toilet that pierced my heart. Meanwhile, Alpha lived in the shadow of depression and self-blaming, and under the saliva fire of the others. He tried to be nice and good to everyone, but i noe he is really down inside.

What can i do? I told the rest that Alpha dint do it on purpose and he is feeling as bad as Beta. And i keep asking if Beta is alright. I mean thats as much as i can do. Beta dint want to create anymore complications, so he went for the guard duty in the end.

All these are based on my personal views. Personally, i dun blame or despise Alpha or Beta. Cos i noe the feel. F E E L. Smthing i keep telling lily about on MSN in the nites. A lot of times, its very hard to imagine or know how other feel. Smthing light and simple to you may be hell to others. I told Jas before, replies like "its ok de lah", "just dun think about it", "other ppl also liddat", "look on the brite side" NEVER helps. Becos its just simplifing stuff, and seeing the problem as smthing small from your perspective, where the other party is feeling exactly the opposite.

For me myself, i dunno why im helping the rest when im already losing my mind. I had lost my mind since the long term depression in AJ. Now its coming back once again. In tekong im really really trying my best best not to collapse or go into a state of madness or smthing. It will be terrible. The most is that i zombifby myself. Dun tok, dun think, cry inside my heart and hope things will get better. Meanwhile, i will not allow the harsh situation to shake my ideas and mindset. Some ppl say my mindset is completely screwed and corrupted. Sorry, but thats me. Mr Zombie, thats me myself.

My friends noe very well i detested physical activities. I dun give a damn about what having nice body or being very fit. I hate the idea of "be a man!" - torturing yourself in physical activities to prove your balls out. I never believe in working hard or endure or persevere in smthing i dun like, much less smthing i hated all along my 18 yrs of life.

Sorry, thats Mr Zombie.

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