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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 9:36 PM --- Post#4970110276607274766

"I wanna sleep early tonite!" Thats what i tell everyone everyday. Still i end up sleeping darn late. The next day in camp will be like...zombie lor, seh seh blur blur stupid stupid. Due to not enuff sleep and stuffing myself with too much food, my same old gastric problem comes again.

Simple as a stomach discomfort, but its no fun. No, i wun die on my way home or what, but its just that my stomach feel fuck bloated and uneasy and cannot feel hunger (even if my stomach is growling, i wun have the urge to eat, and when i start eating, i feel full and the urge to eat still there). I remember dad told me, gastric problems can easily make u feel damn sick. Plus i not enough sleep, my joints will start to ache. Its like a bit sore sore, then as if not enough blood is flow through it. Try using your right hand to wrap around your left wrist damn tight, that is the feeling. Your joints feel uneasy..and sort of "restless". So i will begin to twist and turn my legs, crack my knuckles, play with my flexible fingers and so on, even inflicting pain to myself.

So this morning, while my instructor teaching us stripping and assembling of the breech, i was like..dozing off while holding onto my queasy tummy. When its tea break, everyone waited for me to go but i told them im not eating, cos i tot its better not to eat too much for time being, i also cant feel hunger, i rather go class sleep.

Everyone was damn shocked, cos im the Makan Monster, eat everything up. Someone told Sergeant Kwa "eh..strange, he two days never eat tea break liao."

I end up sleeping at the bench outside the workshop. Later on in the afternoon, Sergeant Kwa asked,
"Mohawk, 你好点没有?有吃东西吗?"
“胃不舒服,还是为了 zhar bo? ”

Huh? I never eat cos of gal? How possible can that be. U think i trying to slim down to please some zhar bo or i trying to save money to buy her a dildo? Anyway i thank sergeant for his kindness and concern lah.

Anyway...it had been an emo day. I never tok much that day. Neither did i mass sms anyone. I used to believe when im sad, its good to tok it out with other ppl, but last time i used to have a friend who wished to be left alone when feeling down. I never understood why. So now i try. Being left alone is actually quite good also. Not toking to anyone, not smsing, just sit one isolated corner and think think think think think think. Or pacing around, getting lost in my own virtual world also not bad.

Damn scared...damn scared things will become like AJC again. So ya, i had been damn quiet liao. Damn low profile. Trying to bury my past and burn it.

My main worries is having to stay in, either by order of the unit, or no choice cos transport too troublesome. I had been thru shit in Tekong, now i enjoying all the welfare. Last time in tekong, there was no comparision, but now after enjoying in OETI, i start to realised how shitty life was before that. And fucking hell, i dun want to go thru it anymore. Last time not scared cos i dunno how it feels, now with comparison, i fear. Freedom is what i want. No need grow wings to fly across sky, just having to use my own comp, chat on msn, do my own projects and sleep my own bed and see pok pok and parents everyday enuff liao.

I had been bastard enuff to show off to my recruit and combat vocation friends how slack and how relax my life is. I somehow feel that i will have retribution - to stay in in my next unit. Also Staff Martin's words keep ringing in my mind, "the more u wanna stay in, the more u will tio. So u must tell yourself that you want to stay in, then you will stay out". But i cant stop thinking about this issue.

This thingy had been bordering me for weeks le. I guess its as usual my over anxious-ness: Worrying too much in everything. This syndrome i got it since young. Simple things like going to meet teacher, help ppl buy things, faculty test, orientation, medical check up i all also worry worry worry. I damn scared of unexpected and unfamiliar situations lah.

Also feeling very empty...like no motivation liddat. I dun have sometime to keep me interested. I dun really have hobby. Esp entering army...i lost interest in everything liao. U see me rarely do posters or programming liao. Also i began to get tired of being in the IT line. No one appreciates after i put in 999% of hardwork and effort. Whats the point?

Things i wanna do
- Learn action script 3.0
- Make some fucking nice posters
- Complete the AJC ajibas catalogue
- Complete Shaun's invitation card
- Complete zB bPanel
- Master usage of my D80 SLR
- sleep more
- watch movie

See everything is damn time consuming, but everyday after camp im damn tired liao. Need rest. Then next time if i stay in...all the above will be dashed.

I dun have anyone to rely on, except myself, damn lonely, damn cold, damn sickening. I only have me myself, who is dead liao. Im dead thrice: Once when i enter AJC, Once when i took A levels and Once when i enter tekong. I die one more time?

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