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Friday, August 31, 2007
NS reflection
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 12:23 AM --- Post#7002976647884190853

Time to reflect on my NS life.

First of all, my ear is really getting deaf, but i never bother tell ppl about it. No one will believe me anyway. My shoulders not getting any better and my feet still hurt like fuck. Still no one believe me. So nvm...

Sure, my life is miserable, no doubt as it will always be. Ya come to think of it since when am I happy? Wherever I go I also not happy. Maybe because till this point in life I dun have much choice. There is no such thing as “I dun have a choice”, I always have a choice. But the problem is most of the time having a choice is like having none. Choices till now normally come in the form of “I either shoot my left leg or right leg”. I wanted to go poly, but parents say no.

Choice 1: I go poly and fall out with my parents, with possibility of being disowned
Choice 2: I go JC and fail everything cos I’m not interested in the syllabus

Ya, got choice and no choice like no diff. Do you still call it a choice?

I have this dream of mine that is so hard to fulfill, why? Cos the choices I have all dun lead to my dream. My dream is simple – personal freedom. Everyone wants freedom, but I want it more, as compared to like money or fame or skills or love…

I'm a unlucky lucky person. Why? Cos a lot of times I get a lot of advantage in life over others, but then these advantages are like of not much use to me.

Package 1: Service vocation, not much regimentation, not much PT, not much tekan, friendlier superiors… but stays in.
Package 2: Combat vocation, a lot of regimentation, PT, tekan quite some, heck care superiors. But after 5.30pm u stay out and have your night.

Right now im having Package 1, which has a whole lot of advantage and pros over Package 2. The only good thing about Package 2 is stay out. To someone who dun really like staying at home and like to go out play thru the night and come back to camp sleep so u dun have to wake up early, package 1 is of course the desired choice. For me who dun mind the ten plus hours of hell everyday if promised just a few hours of total freedom after that of course package 2 is desirable to me.

Sadly, it seems that most ppl favor package 1 more. Thus I got package 1 and im deemed lucky. But then personally I prefer Package 2. As for package 2, it dun really exist in army, which also means I got near no chance of hitting it and thus I will never be happy. This not only apply to army, I guess it applies to other things as well, just that in army its inflexible, package 1 means package 1, while in other places perhaps modification of your package can be done easily. I can switch to a job that I prefer more (closer to what I want), though u may say other company may not want you or other obstacles, but the possibilities are much much more out there than in army. In army its like rock hard to change your vocation. But still its damn difficult to hit exactly what I want (total personal freedom is one of the condition) even if I get to choose the job/vocation/studies I like, I can get near it, but never exact.

This brings about two conclusions. One, I will be less miserable if im presented with a much wider range of job scope to choose from. Two, I will never be happy since its impossible to meet all criteria that I favor even with a wider job scope.

This is why even I got so many advantages in hand, I will never look back and appreciate and be happy with it. Becos all these is not what I want. There are still things in life that I'm happy about. Taking up DnT in sec 4 is a choice I love as well as Computing in JC. I got the freedom (cos few student, lessons schedule, how classes are held can easily alter to our liking) and creativity space, despite the fact it’s a not so recognized subject and some schools even look down on it. Being in VS is another nice choice, ppl and teacher there flexible and responsive to suggestions (suggesting again, freedom), though the result of the school is no good and no girls to ogle at. Joining CXtreme also, I get to influence the stuff the club does (freedom of activities held) and get to mix with ppl of my kind, even though its damn unknown and unfunded in the college.

U give me sharkfin, milk bath and money, then lock me up and u expect me to “oh, im lucky and should be happy im getting my sharkfin, milk bath and money every day like free”? NO! I will go “WTF I no freedom! This sucks like hell!”

Same thing, u expect me “Heng I service vocation, here no regiment, here no PT, no one scream in your face…”? NO! I will curse my unit for not letting me stay out. I dint say a shit in OETI cos it met my requirement of staying out (freedom). But OETI is one of the best place in army, meaning to say 99.99% of the time in army, u wun get all these good stuff. This is why I will never be happy in army, cos my freedom is NO NO when it comes to military contacts, at least for now in my situation. Freedom is only one thing I want..human want is infinite. Assuming if I dun get what I want, I will definitely be depressed, then liddat I will never be happy in army, or even in life.

Why? Why I never learn that I will never get all that I want in life, and should learn to appreciate what I already got and stop complaining and stay happy? That one I seriously dunno. For these past months I really really tried to be happy and stay positive. But I failed. This kind of emotion thing hard to control. How to make myself happy when deep down inside I feel depress? I try psycho myself also no use. I keep telling myself “its ok its alright im got lots of privilege liao…dun complain liao”. Still I cant stop ranting. Its just like clinical depression very hard to just snap out of it through one night of reflection, it require long time medication and counseling. I dun have mediation, I dun have counseling. I dun deny, im beginning to believe my condition is more than just personal perspective of life, but actually psychological problem. Mental illness that require to see doctor and eat pills than just sit in canteen let sergeant and officer talk through me.

Though I never see doctor to confirm, but I know myself I have clinical depression last time in AJ. Its very obvious, its not just months or days or just the instant but throughout the two years, whole day cut myself with pen knife and trying to stop myself from thinking too much by not sleeping at night, so the next day I will be too tired and sleepy to think. My traumatisation when I interact with large group of ppl (esp ppl I dunno) followed me through since young. I dun believe that condition is not a mental illness. That’s why I never attend any gathering and always fear things like orientation and posting to a new place. Not to mention my memory fails me when it comes to faces, names and numbers. I'm good in remembering events, what ppl said and procedures though.

For now anf then, a temporarily relief is to rant. To cry. To excite. If I keep everything one day I will really jump. Somehow when I say things out I feel much better. When I go out with ppl whom I know I trust I feel secure. When I accomplish smthing (IT related most of the time) I feel some hope.

I still remember I dint cry when I attended Jun Rong’s funeral, and I explained to suyee perhaps his death relief him permanently from pain. She flamed and say no matter how life is valuable and cannot just end liddat. I told her a lot of things is not as simple as that, unless she goes through what he went through, how exactly junrong felt and what exactly happen can barely be justified just by talking or hearing. One have to really go thru what another is experiencing to gain all insights, otherwise by just common theories and logic, through talking and listening, a lot of things are just simplified.

Will I die? Maybe? I dunno. But if one day I die, you will know I'm happy im dead. No need feel sad. Since I value freedom so much, I will die for my own freedom anytime, if I feel there is a need, since I believe death is ultimate relief. Parents, friends feeling sad for me when I die? That’s why I want to say now if I'm to die, I cant be anything more sad than when im alive, so no need feel painful for me liao. If my death can make someone else whom I deem worthy to be happy, why not? I will die for my friends, if my death can exchange anything for them. But one thing is if I dare to die not? Death can be damn painful. Also im not asking u to follow my ideology or smthing, everyone got their rights to their choice de, including beliefs. Dun like my thinking? I kindly say sorry and dun read my blog and forget what I said.

Hmmm…Maybe I should ask, can anyone help me?

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