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Tuesday, September 25, 2007
More Problems
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 9:12 PM --- Post#3751804616720364669

Seriously depressed. Once again i dun talk much in camp. Fuck the geek talks with wenze, i totally have no mood to talk about anything. Problems problems and problems. No end to it. Im damn frustrated le, no one here to help me. At times i really feel like calling the SAF hotline, or just walk into BWO's office and tell him how stressed up and fucked up i am. I want to slam the whole receiver on the floor and see it shatter into pieces. I want to cross the road in front of my camp blindly so i need not face tml. Only means of fustration is drawing...drawing..dunno why i drew my own hand..and its slitted on the wrist with blood. I drew my finger, and suddenly though of Saw II and mutate my own finger into a rotting rod. Help me.

Medical Problem
Chao Keng, Chao Keng, Chao Keng.. Thats all ppl know how to say.

"Its flat foot only what, so common!" This is so unfair to me. Mine is extreme flat foot. Not only i dun have the arch and its totally flat on the ground, the sides are protruding out also. Its easy to say "Flat foot only mah" when u dun have one. Normal ppl stand in CO parade or sentry will be shagged out easily. Imagine me with the intuiting pain.

"He also excuse heavy load, still can carry!". Everyone got their limit. I never say i cannot carry, but those feeders and receivers weight 30-50kg, easily worsen my situation. I was reprimanded by my physiotherapist that if im going to carrying these loads...its confirm to be painful and no chance of recovery. Field pack? Worst, direct pressing on my shoulder. School bag last time can make my shoulder stiff and rock hard liao, now its just getting worst. And no one believes me. Good lor. One day i cannot tahan, collapse or my shoulder blade get dislocated, then i shall see how everyone got to do their explanation and statements.

I also very paiseh go so many medical appointment. I dun deny that im happy when i get one, simply cos its like a mini rest morning for me to wake up late and go hospital for treatment. But then still its necessary, else how i going to recover? Cannot stand cannot carry bag for the rest of my life just cos of army? No way. I rather die.

I already sounded out these problems in CMPB, but i dint noe i need to produce letters, i tot go there there wil be specialist to check me up and do a throughout inspection and gimme a cure. I was wrong, nothing was done except telling i going PES B, which i then dunno what it meant.

It got worst when i went to Mohawk, shoulder getting shearing pain till cannot change clothes and feet swollen to the point of explosion. Then i dare to rise my discomfort to my sergeant despite their poor attitude and raging reprimands, cos i really CANNOT TAHAN ANYMORE. Things dint end there, my specialist letter went missing and during OETI i re-appointment again..thats why drag until now.

Adaptation Problem
9 months le. I still not able to adapt to military life. I dun want to force myself into depression like in AJC. I dun want to hang that penknife to my phone again so i can cut my wrist when i feel like. Depression not fun, esp when i dun have any medical support. Im lucky im still alive.

I do know that im very lucky to be in service vocation, but to be honest, one of the worst service vocation - technicians.

Now and then, the only thing i look forward to is to go home. I wun even bother o out after camp. I just want to go home and cool down. Whatever shit that happens in the day is over, at home i get to enter my private world of IT, games, gfx design, music... The time fall out till book in is entirely mine. The next day i will try my best to give what i have to camp, as long as they promise my private time after work.

But now going to stay in, summore i heard they going very strict on it, with the use of stay out card and stuff, making sure only stay out personnel (which is not us)can leave or enter the camp. How more devastating can it be?

Everyday i got to face my superior, my medical problem, adaptation problem...all the problem i need to tell them so they can help me, and i starting to feel guilty for asking too much from them. They are nice ppl. But i dun speak up... i going to die for good. There are alot of things i yet to tell them. I doubt they understand my medical situation fully yet..what about my history of depression?

People Relation Problem
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With so many problem, i dunno how i gg survive in army for the next one year two months. ever since im posted in, time slows down. Please...someone help me. Im damn depressed and stres...please...

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