Unwelcome ZOMBiE's Blog
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I Call Myself ZOMBiE CYGIG
"Educated" At Maha Bodhi School, Victoria School, Anderson JC, LASALLE College of the Arts
What I Do Lazing, Hobby Crafting, DIY, Graphic Design, Computer Stuff that you don't get it
What I Avoid Hipsters, Soccer, Apple Brand, Outings
How Am I Like Logical, Practical, Off-Beat, Anti-Social, Sarcastic
Time to blog again. Im getting this "school holiday" feeling these days. Dunno why, perhaps i had learnt to take things easily.
I like the feeling of waking up, and realised that i still got plenty of time to spare. I need not worry about anything! I need not worry about - who to go out with - what work left on camp - horrendous events in camp that make me depress - my enemies are hunting for my head - eat, sleep, play, drink - IT stuff
Its like "Ahh..i can just sit here and relax...i can read book whole of today. No objective to meet, just enjoy the tranquality of life at home..ahhh". Looking ahead os a long whole stretch of free time, so much so that i need not worry about how much time i had left till my next death. Of course i dun have a long stretch of time now..but im imagining it. Now im just lying and deceiving myself lah.
Like wenze say "I long for the day i come here [wherever u referring to] as a freeman". Yup me too. I long for the day i step into Bugis as a freeman. Or the night i sleep in my bed as a freeman.
This day will come...not so soon. In fact this is only half the journey i had traveled. Its already so fucked up. I cant imagine what happen next year.
I keep telling myself. Half a year before ORD is slack, three months before ORD my juniors will take over, two months before ORD is clear leave and off, one month before ORD is sit and wait for time to pass. I only got half a year left actually to tahan....
I know its just lies and lies. But well, its good enuff when i can bluff myself. Still learning to be cheerful.
Santa cannot come to Singapore because - His Reindeer Sledge need to pay damn lot thru ERP - He cant just fly into SG without going thru custom else AirForce will think he is some terrorist and shoot him down - He needs permit for his Reindeer to deem it legal to use for work - Also his gifts will be overweight - He need to scan all his presents for bombs or pirated stuff become coming into Singapore - He need to pay bomb if he is taking Taxi - SG houses got no chimneys, how he come in? - Children in SG are taught not to accept gifts from strangers - Weather too hot
Been rather happy these few days. Dunno why also. Perhaps cos
- 4NTM ending lor! - Christmas and New Year coming, festive season - Feb 19 got relative gathering, sure got uber nice food - Workplace politics seemed to settled down for now - My windpipe infection and in grown toe nail is getting better - Nice DS games recently (Phoenix Wright 3, Geometry Wars, COD4, Zelda, Warhammer 40K, Dementium The Ward) - Rainy weather! No sun! yea! - Some counseling from friends - Bonded certain grp of ppl in wksp due to recent politics - New Gunz Claymor Clan member: Wei Long!
I read this book, The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time. It had been years since i read any story book. This book was recommended by Lam in Bugis Kino.
Nice book, nice in a way the narrator shared certain similar character traits like me. He tends to be highly analytical, everything is logic first, without considering other human relation factors. He dun like crowds, he dun like to talk to strangers. He uses diagrams to aid in his explanation. He uses simple english to convey and break down complicated situations. He likes to use lists and tables. Hmmm, i tend to be liddat at times. After reading, as usual, i went to the net and check out some xtra info. Actually the narrator suffers from Asperger syndrome. I tot..wow.. at last im better than him ba, maybe im suffering from Asperger syndrome, who knows?
I was surprised at a point of the book, where Christopher (the narrator), described how he remember things. He says his mind is like a DVD, where there are SEARCH, FORWARD, REWIND, PLAY and PAUSE functions. He can virtually command his brain to search from a particular scene in his memory and play back to review. He can pause and he can tell the details in that frozen moment. Unlike tape, he can do a random seek on a DVD, meaning to say he need not bother about other un-related memories when "rewinding".
The way i tot human brain work is similar to his concept. Perhaps my brain is like Windows or Mac or Linux or another other OS. From what u see and hear and interact (the input signals like those from keyboard or mouse or webcam) everyday, u form libraries in your brain. From each event that happened, the analysis and details will be extracted and stored in this database. And when a similar incident happen your brain will search this database for the most relevant record and from there the brain will take reference on how to react. This is what ppl call Experience. The more record in the database, the more complete and comprehend the database will be. The more experience u got and u will know how to react fast and accurately.
And as time passes, you will be able to upgrade your OS by yourself. By editing certain behavior of yourself or changing certain variables. U may even adopt different thinking algorithm or change the way u analysis what u see and hear.
In real time, You can toggle on and off certain functions. Like u can lower your vigilance when you are at home cos you know you are safe. When u are in a place u dun like, u can disable environment analysis so u dun care whats happening around you, whereas when u out for a photog trip u must enable it so u can take nice shots by interpreting the environment and looking for nice spots to shoot.
Anyway i gtg now for lunch. Do read the book! I willing to lend anyone if u ask from me. Bye.
It has been almost a week since i really sms someone (meaning those non stop sms marathon kinda chat). The AJ feeling of loneliness is coming back. Soon i will be losing my feelings again.
Past week was quite fucked up. On standby all the way. Lots of activation rehearsal. I wanted to blog about them but was too tired.
var friendAlpha = a friend who helped me do duty on Christmas eve; var friendBeta = another person who is suppose to do this standby
What happened is friendBeta suppose to do standby. But he overseas leave. So friendAlpha cover for him. But later realised friendAlpha also on overseas leave, which overlaps the standby perion by few days. So im called to come in to cover for friendAlpha for that few days. Last minute i was informed if im to cover for him, i have to cover for the whole two weeks cannot just few days. So i said fine its ok.
But by then the guard duty already planned, so my standby and guard duty clashes. The rest of the standby personnel dint have this problem cos they informed the duty planner much earlier on, so given duty outside the standby period.
I see a problem in these and called some higher authority since i see that i cant really get an answer. I admit im kan chiong, but the last minute insert my name in for the full two weeks of standby, i myself also dunno how react. Later on im said to "jump the gun" or "skip chain of command" by directly reporting to that higher authority. That higher authority did came down and everyone was unhappy. Things blew a bit but damage was controlled. In the end some compromises was made to all these problems. I got a personal sotre cos i got no bunk yet to keep all my stuff, else later get stolen again. My helmet and torch was stolen liao, till now haven recover. I dint really argued back, as i normally would. I said sorry. Case close.
The standby was made even more jialat for the fact i was grouped with the wrong ppl. Everyone else in the standby team was not of my batch. I not really gum with some of them. I dun have a good friend there. I got into some arguments and treats frequently. Adding fuel to fire, i stays out, and alot of times i need to rush to camp early in the morning like 5am to attend some standby related event. It makes things much more inconvenient for me. To worsen it more, i live in the east. From home to camp takes 30 mins on my dad's car, and 1.5 hours on public transport. Upon activation we need to reach back in camp within an hour, which is not very possible. The fastest I can get is by an hour reach the camp gate, but they require u to sign the nominal roll which is stationed all the way deep in camp (10 to 15 mins walk) by one hour, not just reaching the camp gate.
Now Im feeling guilty for asking friendAlpha to do my guard duty on the 24th. Why?
- Cos i helping friendAlpha do his standby I was suppose to only do few days for him but end up the full two weeks. Summore i got into lotsa trouble within this period. At first he was willing to do my duty, so i take it as he will do it for me, but now when the 24th is approaching he seems sian sian cos he is a Christian. Then again, I will never be on standby due to some admin matter, so its like not asking much from me to help out in one of them. Also friendBeta is suppose to be on standby, not friendAlpha... but i dun want to contact him for some reasons.
- Cos i need 24th to clear my leave My mistake for not planning my leave early. They say i can convert the leave to off, but i dun want. I already got some offs and a whole new set of leave next year. I dun want to carry forward anymore cos im afraid i cannot clear (just like this year). Looking at the schedule, i only got 24th and 31st to clear my leave. Both dates are not to my advantage cos both are half day. And the directive says if u want to take leave of Chirstmas or New Year eve, u gotta take a full day leave despite its only half a working day.
I dunno lah. I try stay happy. Its festive season leh.
I used to be proud of myself being able to hold online friendship very well. Now i realised they are really hard to maintain.
Reasons: - Due to difference in timing, both parties can hardly meet up - It just take either one party to be cut off from the net, either cos of technical issues or no time to online to cut off the communication - In the case of SMS..its very common one party's sms get burst - Nowadays ppl tend to detest phone calling to chat, decreasing the bonding time - Events like working, NS, exams easily drain one party off all the time to maintain a virtual friendship
I had enough over fading online friendships...one day both of us so happy the next u realised the other party is uncontactable anymore. Sooner or later friends become strangers..and one day when the other party is online u will open the convo window and ask "who are u?".
Sometimes u put in lots of sincerity, but the other party cannot see. Somehow it seems that the msg u wan to convey dun get across. Perhaps he blogs about all the happy part of his life but never ever mention you, then u feel like "wtf does he even treat me as friend?"
I also dunno what to do. I got no much friends in real life. Acquaintances got a lot, but few friends. So i tot of looking for friends online from forums or stuff, in which i got more confident of making friends digitally. But now after few attempts i giving up. I dun want anymore breaking friendship. Enuff is Enuff. Depression +25%.
Its only i enter wkshp i appreciate my parents. Since i stays out, i needa be in camp for certain event damn early. As early as reaching at 5am. So poor dad gotta drive me there early morning...poor mom gotta make breakfast for me.
I think my parents are quite supportive lah. Now i paiseh everytime ask my dad fetch to meet camp's ridiculous timing.
Tml going for weapon zeroing. Time to sleep early.
Depression What is depression? To me depression is the feeling of extreme sadness, and add in the helplessness as well as change of normal behavior (become quiet or become too chatty).
But what makes someone depress? When someone is down, he/she definitely thinks that he/she is like...in the worst of all situation. But what i realized is that different ppl get depressed differently.
Ok, which of the two is a justifiable situation to sink you into deep depression, even to a point of thinking of suicide: 1. Your grandma's death 2. Serving NS
To someone who love his grandparents, perhaps Option 1 is seemed to be for the obvious choice. Its a death of someone close to you after all! But for me, i rather choose Option 2. Why? Because i never had any pleasant moments w my grandma before...Ever since young i had heard lots of stories about how bad my grandma is as a person, and i had seen her favoritism with my own eyes. At some point in life i hate her. Hate her to core. But now she is already in old folk's home, sitting on her wheelchair and on the verge of losing her memories, my hatred had somehow subsided.
I had been through death before, death of my NPCC and classmate Yap Jun Rong. Everyone teared and wet their face during the cremation, but somehow i just wun cry. going in my mind is something like "Welll RIP, at least u no longer need to endure the pain of living in this world. YOu committed suicide (supposingly, details never released), no u need not fred over your problems. Your parents will hurt in their heart, but the pain will gradually go away. Im sure in comparison your pain is much great. Its like a trade of a smaller degree pain from your family members and friends to ease your much greater pain". I never cry. Never felt sad.
Pokpok's death came to me few months before. One of my longest pet for i think seven years. From secondary to JC to army, i never fail to see her first everytime i come home. When she died...again i never really very sad. At least she managed to escape the torment of my mom who keep abusing her. And seven years for a jungle fowl is somewhere there for her life span. I just hope she loved me as much as i loved her previously.
You may disagree with me, but thats how i personally feel. Becos of this way i look at death, death will not contribute to my extreme depression most of the time.
Whereas serving ns is totally against my own belief. I hate being jailed. I hate politics, i hate the dirty environment, i hate high-rankers controlling everything. I hate having no rights. I hate not being able to voice out, i hate the rigidness, i hate the lack of freedom. To me serving NS is definitely more depressing than someone's death.
Thus...i come to a conclusion that different events make different ppl depress. So next time when your friend tells you smthing is bothering him and making him feeling sad...put yourself in his shoes and understand that his problem may appear small to you, but big to him.
Girls Smooth skin, small sized, long hair...this is a typical girl. Having only two years in my life with interaction with girls, I find this species of creature extremely interesting.
Why are their skin soo smooth and nice to touch? Why they have a nice chin and lips without any beard, just glossy and pinkish skin? Why some of them can pacify me like a morphine? Why are their menstruation cycle so interesting? Why they behave so different from guys? And since they behave so different why a guy and a girl can get along? What is the thing in them to make guys love girls sooo much? Why are their palm soo small? Why why why? Hahaha i also dunno.
Though the times, IMO girls now have much more advantages than guys. Just to list down a few: - No need serve NS, which gives them two more years to develop their studies ahead. - Able to choose many path in life, including paths used to be taken by guys. Girls can choose to stay at home or go out work. Guys that choose to stay at home to look after kids and have the girl to go out earn money is termed as "eating soft rice" - Girls can choose a variety of clothings, no one will say much if a girl choose to be clad in tee and jeans (common guy outfit), but its a NO NO for guys to be in skirts and tubes. - Most of the time guys will choose to give way and treat girls, to be a so called "gentleman" - Girls can now participate in sports just like guys - Generally species that has got more care and love for each other, minus the ego - Got protection from law, a small touch can result in molestation - Beauty is one powerful weapon, although not having beauty is one disadvantage also.
Of course nothing is perfect, there are some disadvantages as well: - Monthly period is irrtating - My female friends tell me their boobs are getting into their way, very zhor teng - Child birth is really painful...but u got a choice of bearing child and method of giving birth - Perhaps cases of guy abandoning girl after pre-marital sex, but also got cases of the girl abandoning guy. Rape cases are rare in SG.
Well as u compare, i seriously think girls are much better off guys. Asking all my female friends, almost all want to continue living as a girl in their next life. Me not gay, me no gg for operation, dun misunderstand, but given a choice to start afresh next life, i would rather be a girl.
I look at my god sister, happily University studying. All she worry about is how to get her A's. Im not saying its easy, but she seem to manage it well. I look at my cousin, she said she got her problems, but overall i guess she still does better than me. I look at Kyro, a girl without emotions, i dunno how she manage but she got not much of sadness or excitements in life..very peaceful, no worries...which is good! I look at Selina, whole day happy happy..was she ever sad?
Take a look at the guys. WK last time depression in army. My camp ppl whole day sulking cos of various unhappy issues. Eric tan also not happy w NS. Jeremy is now in Hell of Guards...trying to get a down pes but failed. Frank poh not doing as good also, he describe army as wayang place. Perhaps its just NS, but this event alone is affecting all the guy friends i know. Sorry i cant bring up any other example cos i dun have guy friend older than me. Younger got..CC lor..i think he now still quite happy..wait till he enters JC.
Pacification I feel i need lots of pacification. I used to use the word "comfort", until Carely came up with the term "pacify". Its like when u are really feeling hopeless and down..someone come to you and is willing to talk to you. He/she may not be able to solve your problem..but its like the way your friend toks to you and calm you down, not very effective on text, more effective face to face, u feel suddenly actually ppl do care for u. At least for the moment u feel better after someone listened to you, at least someone is willing to listen to you. Sometimes pacification is not just talking, it can be going out w someone who is willing to spend some time with you, Be it watching a movie or having a dinner, spending time to make u occupied and in front of you is just a nice piece of memory.
I think phone calls works as effectively also. Being able to tok to someone, a good friend of yours, a buddy...just numb your depression for a while... long heart to heart talks helps also...
But problem is everyone is very very de busy. Who got time to pacify me? No one... A good pacifier got to be there for the one being pacified all the time..willing to tok to him and sayang him all the while. Obviously this situation is quite impossible..
Well..for those reading here..do spend time texting me or calling me on phone. I will reply and i will be glad to receive your message. Even a simple "how u doing" will do. Here i do thanks all my friends who tried making me happy thru the shit times in NS. Thanks.
Today was quite..well spent. Early morning i got this stupid message from wk saying he not coming for movies. What a last minute thingy... Tt guy see his Heroes and Anime until he addicted and handicapped liao.
I still got to meet ah lam, who rushed right after guard duty to meet me at Marina Square. We watched HERO. To cut short, thats film sucks. I was about to play my DS when finally the ending titles came out. Only got a total of 4 ppl in the theater.
Yea, wk was late! Make us walk round Marina Square like idiots and go round criticizing how bad Creative's speakers and cans are. He arrived at last...and when we board the MRT...he cant squeeze in! End up me and lam on the first train, and he got to take the second one.
Arriving at EXPO, the first surprise is WK forget to zip his pants. I swear i see bird flying out from inside. Honestly SITEX was quite horror...lots of ppl...but no have things to see. The Asus E-E-E... PC was sold out! No new interesting gadgets also. Same old Nikon, Sony, HP, Microsoft, Apple, Creative, Asus, Palm, Nokia, Sepom, Cannon, Acer.....
I left at 3.30pm to Doby Gaut to meet Carely. Sorry..but the trip was long..made u waited an hour. I was famished and had dnr at Yoshi, along we tok cock and gossiped about ppl in VR. A lot of mindless talks but well..it seemed to make me feel good.
On the way up, me was toking about MK's Friendster, and Carely was like "eh she never wear bra.." "How you know?" "Can see de mah!" I was shocked...until i asked. "Every photo also never wear bra meh?" "Huh? I was toking about tt girl walking pass us?" "Not MK meh?" She bursted into laughter and shook her head. I wack her arms ask why never ask me see see. "Aiya later i tell u, u go stare.."
Anyway...Its quite a nice evening...and today was made fruitful by all my friends...haha.