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I Call Myself ZOMBiE CYGIG
"Educated" At Maha Bodhi School, Victoria School, Anderson JC, LASALLE College of the Arts
What I Do Lazing, Hobby Crafting, DIY, Graphic Design, Computer Stuff that you don't get it
What I Avoid Hipsters, Soccer, Apple Brand, Outings
How Am I Like Logical, Practical, Off-Beat, Anti-Social, Sarcastic
Civilian Conversion Course It has been roughly three weeks since I ORD. These three weeks pass so damn fast. Its always liddat, good times pass significantly faster than bad times. OR rather, bad times pass slow.
I treat all these times as civilian conversion course. Meaning to say tweak my mindset back to civilian thinking. You think its easy? NO! At first i tot, "Aiya, go back become civilian, so easy, i stay out one summore"
Seems that im wrong.
1. I realized no one speaks vulgarities around me. 2. Where are all the smokers? I see only a few at my coffee shop. 3. Colourful clothing sure makes my eyes dazzle, instead of all green. 4. I wake up at 6am, just to realised i need not report to camp. 5. Feels weird without cook house food, no 11B scanning. 6. Everytime i take out my identity card, i will stop and think why its pink now. 7. Adults around me in camp used to be very approachable and friendly. Now the adults beside me seems to treat me like secondary school kid.
The worst is that I suddenly wake up my idea, and found that i had already finished that army phase in my life, and its time to move on. Upon realizing that, I start to fear of my future. For the past two years, there is no worries for what happen next. No matter what, im getting my $440. Now, i got to plan everything myself, move on myself, no more living in the auto-guided army life. Now i realized, i got the chance of not getting a job. I got chance to be fired. I will need to work hard for work results now, not like last time slack also get my pay.
Im certainly not prepared to move on. And these weeks of CCC hopefully can help me relax and settle my thoughts down.
Friends Maybe its cos i got no income now. Or maybe im too busy doing maintenance work at home. Or im too tired. Or im too lazy.
I haven been going out w anyone for a looooong time. I haven been toking to my friends too. Do i even have friends in the first place. Why do i feel that my gadgets and my materialistic stuff feels more like a 'friend' to those other human out there? Why why why why?
I dun remb talking to anyone else other than my family member, which actually i dun really feel like talking.
I feel very bored and lonely these weeks, i numb myself by trying to settle my thoughts, play games, surf net, do projects, tidy room etc etc.. Sometimes i scream in my head "I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE!". I sit in front of my screen waiting for ppl to come online on MSN. Truth is everyone else is busy, no one is there to entertain me.
My friend once told me, "U keep getting into friendship and other problems since young, what is the constant here? Isnt it you? Could you yourself be the problem?" Yes its me. But i found no answer on how to rectify this bug in me.
Its really scary when one day u got no one to talk to at all...
Parents Last time during army, i see them only for a couple of hours a day. Now im a free man, and that i stayed at home all the while to rot, i see them whole day long. I feel like so distant from my parents nowadays. Unlike being with my friends, i got to put up a mask in front of them. When im at the bottom pit of my life, they dint realised smthing is wrong with me and isnt there most of the time. When i tell them my problems, they either treat it lightly, heck care, tell me not to complain or scold me.
-Father- "How can your officer do this? Come one day i go camp go scold him. U tell him that I will go MP if he still liddat. Why u so stupid, why u never tell him off? So what of he officer? Rally everyone go rebel la!" Thats what my dad always said when i told him about irregularities in camp. I remb once i got so fed up that i gave him my phone with my officer's number on the dialing and ask my dad to talk to him. My dad immediately push it away and give excuses. He can say a lot but no action will happen.
I dunno why, but recently he blew up more and more. He is angry at ever single thing he sees. He is angry cos i woke up late (when its the weekend), he is angry when i watch anime, angry when i play games, angry when i eat, angry when i never help when he busy. Angry for the dish i chose when we eat out. Angry for drink fruit juice outside. Angry when u spend too much time in a shop at shopping center. He got the right to throw tantrum, but not me. I got my way of planning things, and he insist on getting stuck on his tradition thoughts. He dunno how to express himself, he only know how to give a sulky face, which no body knows what he exactly wants.
Another thing is his sudden death method of going out. I will be sitting there playing my PC when he storms in and say "WHY YOU HAVEN EVEN CHANGE!" and threaten to leave me alone at home. I wun mind staying at home, but he will threaten to say he wun buy any dinner or lunch for me. He never ever told ppl his plans for family outing. I got my day planned and he expect me to put down everything so suddenly to accustom to his unplanned outing? Not to mention free scoldings for nothing doing anything wrong. Ridiculous.
When im outfitted, he will comment on what i wear. "Why wear so nice? We gg market only" U never said! Fine, from then onwards, i will ask him where he going. Most of the time, if i ask mom, she will push to dad. When i ask dad, he wun give me a proper answer. "Err..buy fish..err...maybe eat?" Then how i know how to dress up for any particular places he wants to go?
-Mother- Mom is another one of a kind. She thinks all our friends are baddies and all her's are dear sisters. She likes to doubt what our friends told us, but never doubt her own friends. Her friends consist of a group of aunties who sits down and gossip whole day long. Worst still, they can get into politics just liddat. And it involves me and my sis.
"I told XXXX you did ok for A levels ah, if she ask u then u better follow my story." WTF? I did POORLY in A levels. "I told your [insert relative name here] we going overseas for 10 of days ah, dun tell him anything else ah!" In actual face we gg some neighboring country for few days only. And she wants me to lie for her. For her sake. For her face.
The reverse cannot apply. Me and my sis cannot talk behind my mom's back. Me and my sis cannot lie, not only that we are to answer to all her questionings at all times. And i cannot relate my own ideas to my sis, else its considered "teaching her bad".
She always wanted me and my sis to goto her when she shouts our name. But when we call for her, she expect us to goto her. Sometimes there is no need to move around, our house isnt tt big, shouting out would be enuff to communicate and ask questions. Yet when there is not a need, she expect us to goto her.
Her expression skills are as bad as my dad. Take for example a recent incident:
"Your dun play computer, come and eat first!" She shouted.
Me, sis and dad came down, see nothing on the table. Mom was BBQing smthing in the corridors. The rest Sat at the sofa and watch TV. Meanwhile since there is nothing on the table, i went back up to complete some tasks on my PC.
Then she goes again, "Your dun play computer, come and eat first!". Again i see nothing on the table. So i went off to do something else.
She shouted to my dad, "Need to BBQ brinjals?". My dad said yes.
After 5 minutes, she threw her temper and shouted, "Come help me leh! Ah told your dun play computer come eat first liao! I tot you said wanna BBQ bringals? Why u never come (direct at my dad)"
Everyone was shocked. I told my mom i came down, nothing to eat leh. "Then why dun want to help me?!", I told her she never say she need help ma. The made shift BBQ pit was so small and she was previously so enthu in BBQing. So from that i derived she must be enjoying BBQ lor.
"Need to say one meh?! OF course help la! I already told u to stop playing computer and come down to eat!" Ya, i did came down. But u never say help you?! From what i see u are happily BBQing ma. 'Come down eat' and 'Come down help BBQ' are two totally different instructions! She only asked my dad is the brinjals need to be BBQed only, not as him to help. He is busy w work too.
We were taught in school and army to follow instructions carefully. Esp in army, u are to do as told precisely. Also learn to access the situation yourself. Seeing that 1. previously she was enthu in BBQ 2. never ask for help 3. and that BBQ isnt a very high priority or time critical task 4. I dun like BBQing
I safely left the task to my mom. Im not like my mom, who dun give ppl personal space. I seldom restrict or criticize what my mom does, unless i see that its important or it affects me. Why cant she give me the same space?
She assume i will help me. Base on? She will say "Common sense". I dun think thats common sense! If u dun express your need, how will i know what u need? We were taught to give each other personal space, until a help is called for, or when we see there is an immediate need. For what i saw, i dun think it will lead to a reaction of "i need to help my mom". On the other hand, im busying settle some networking for my sis.
She is always liddat. Assume this, assume that. What she could had done was just to say. "Eh, come help me leh". Thats all. I hate her assumptions of other ppl. And when its the right time to do intelligent assumption, she dun.
Her attitude towards her band of sisters are ok. But when facing her own family, she seems to have attitude problem. She nag for the smallest ever thing. And she keeps repeating the same thing. She cant tok to me or my sis properly. She got to shout and scold. She will yell and say "I NOT SCOLDING YOU, I TELLING YOU!"
Another Example: "Why you never open the windows of the kitchen after cooking? Why? You know how much heat will be trapped inside? You know the food will turn bad? You how how bad it is?" And she goes on and on in her ringing voice.
The truth is, weather was cold and the wind was strong. so strong that it blows off the fire from the stove. So i closed the windows. I dint close them completed, i dint lock them, leaving a few cm of opened space. And that the kitchen WAS NOT as hot and warm as she claimed after i cooked. Its still chilly due to the weather. I ignored her and eat my food. 5 minutes later, she chided again "SAY LIAO STILL HAVEN OPEN WINDOW?"
Hello? Im still eating my food, and i really see no point in opening the windows, and most important of all, she NEVER SAY OPEN THE WINDOWS? All she did was to nag all her theories on me. All she could had done is to say nicely "eh, go open the windows. hot inside." And after i eat finish my food, i will open the windows when i wash my bowl.
All she wanted me was to open the windows. Tell me tt nicely and its done. Stop nagging..
Real World I was reading this book called Real World. I was so engrossed with the plot, cos the problems faced w the characters seem to be very relevant to me. Its the story about how this guy(Worm) murdered his mom in japan. And how he stole his neighbor(Toshi)'s phone and get in touch with three other of Toshi's friend. Apparently all five of them are problem kids.
Worm is a fallen student from a private high school. Her mom keeps controlling him and wanted him to be of high standards. Worm feels that her mom herself isnt of any high standards, she feels so cos she is married to a doctor, and has a son in top school. But she herself is dumb and skilless. Worm feel that her mom is making use of him to make herself feel that her family is proud and noble, and completely ignoring his needs and feelings. Thus Worm killed her.
Toshi is worm's neighbor, though having a good family, she feels that the world is too commercialized, and grew up learning how to lie very well, as she fear once her true identity is exposed she will be gone case. Her phone and bike was stolen by Worm when he escaped.
Yuzan helped Worm to buy a new phone and bike, returning Toshi her own. Yuzan is actually a lesbian, she got a hard time deciding which is her true identity and fear being reject by society.
Kirarin met up w Worm on the course of escape, and stayed with him throughout. They eventually feel in love and had sex. Kirarin's mom died three years ago due to cancer and she got ditched by her bf. She stayed in depression and vain all the way, yet forcing herself to look cheerful always.
Terauchi is the smartest of all, has the ability to see through ppl's mind. Though she is tough, she tot her parents dint give her a hoot. They made her childhood dark, esp when her mom started to have an affair outside. She dun trust her mom, but force to trust her so that the whole family and her mind wun collapse. It ended up that she no longer trust herself anymore.
Im not gg to discuss the story line here, go read the book yourself. Its a story linking the five of them and how their own problems lead to tragedy.
Reading this book sort of remind me about myself, and ppl around me. I started recalling my screwed childhood, which has no memories except to mug and mug. My parents forced me to study and study. Mind you, the first time im allowed to go out on my own was during sec 4. The first time im allowed to go to school myself was sec 1. Im not allowed to listen to music or use computer freely till sec 4. Ang bao money all confiscated every yr cept for grandpa and grand ma and those from my mom, which has little money.
Im never allowed to freely use my savings till JC. Even then, all my pocket money are strictly controlled. I need to return any remaining amount to my mom, she will save it up for me, and that money wun be available till 21. My sister is going thru the same also. She got quite some money from bursaries as she got tip top results in school. My mom take more than half and stored it in her "Future Use Account" A small portion enters her currently used account. Even still, she dun have much access to any of the accounts. Most of the transaction still goes thru my mom. Which makes the whole system of having two separate account quite useless, since she can hardly draw out money.
I realised a flaw in my mom's system. U save maybe $3000 in that "future account". When u reach 21, u will already have some money for your own use. For my, from army. So when she release that "future account", it isnt any shocking large amount of money compared to what u already had now. A much better way would be to spread that sum of money and use it during your childhood to buy yourself some happiness. More balanced that way.
Bintan Tour I went to Bintan for tour, but not worth mentioning as its totally boring. Im amazed my parents are willing to spend near to a thousand for the whole family for such a useless tour. Me and my sis already made hints that we rather not go, but end up still went. I tot maybe i would enjoy my times there. NO! After the trip i regretted even more! Not only i got to put up w all the typical nonsensical quarrels from my parents and the everlasting naggings, i got to put up w the '3 star' hotel summore. My sis says its more like -3stars. Hotel standards of army bunk, how does that sound?
I dun understand, when purchasing a product or service, i would look for: 1. Dun purchase at all, look for alternative or DIY 2. Purchase something with high value for money ratio, try to get the best out of the money 3. Hoot all the way, get as high end as i need
My parents apparently dun understand what is call value for money. They only know what is cheap. They heck care quality. In the case of the Bintan tour, i would easily choose choice 1 of not going at all, stay at home play game, or spend some effort in choice 2, look for somewhere value for money to go.
To me, if quality is 50%, price is 10%, its value for money, cheap. If quality is 50% and price is 50%, thats ok ok pricing. If quality is 100% and price is 100%, thats not expensive, its worth the money. If quality is 10% and price is 10%, thats not cheap! But still worth the money.
In the bintan case, its 50% price for a 10% quality. Expensive and not worth the money.
Is $1 cheap? Is $100000 expensive? We take $2 for example, i think its relatively cheap. But what if i say that $2 is needed to enter public toilet once? Thats expensive!!! What if i tell you that $2 can feed u one can of abalone? Thats cheap!
My parents like to say "eh LCD TV expensive la! Sony 40" need $999". That amount is made up, of course. But for a Sony 40" at $999, its CHEAP. So, that price is CHEAP. BUT, u cannot afford, its EXPENSIVE to your wallet! Then they will go on and kpkb why we should not have a Sony LCD TV...but thats only an analogy, it dint happen.
So, the point is. The Bintan tour sucks.
Nokia 5320 Got a 5320. 2 years i dint touch any phones except for my two army ones. Both are at the lowest end of the line and offer nearly no special features. Gadget siao me was so excited to explore the features of my new phone, from hardware to hacking symbian OS. Woot.
Conclusion Despite all my rants, i do have wrong doings on my own part too. I know ppl will say i blame everyone but myself. But i already tried my best to accommodate to others, prolly my method isnt right. Army make boys to become men. I doubt so, but at least i absorb some working experience and dealing w ppl, thats good. But still dun help much w my shattered interpersonal links.