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Friday, February 06, 2009
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 1:12 AM --- Post#2436912969425147223

My Job

After several counseling session, i find myself much better at PR. Im now working with a company that produces 3D and animated novelties.

Not a bad experience, the job is ok for me, except for backaches and boredom, im fine with it. The pay is much higher than what i got in NS, im happy for that too. I will see how my job goes.

After one month, i will do a review of NS VS Working Outside. haha, Im sure lots of NSF will want to read that review.

Currently blank in mind. Im stilling dwelling on my past, confused about my future and worries about my present. One thing for sure, i want to change to be a better person, no more outcast, no more anti-social. Yet i will retain my own unique features. I guess its what i call a OS update. Iron the bugs and install new modules.


To keep long story short, i had quarreled more than once with my mom. How she raised me up and caused me to become an outcast and weirdo.I know it may seem absurd to blame my mom for my own character fault, but i dun blame without any basis. My sis is suffering from the same social rejecting symptoms like what i had before. Just that her's is prolly on a lighter side.

Here is how things flow:


Mom wants me to be a good and successful person.

Mom had may had lost contact with outside world ever since she resigned to become a housewife + grandma use to be not in favor of her.

e.g. she seldom go out w her friends
e.g. grandma use to demand her for rental for staying at her own house after marriage.

Mom has misconception on friendship and overlook other developments other than academic.

e.g. she says going to school is just about studies.

Mom uses great restriction and control on me to mold my character and attitude.

e.g. I am to listen to her orders, report everything to her, and she will not hesitate to can and yell at me in front of public.

I dun get to listen to music, go out, have longer hair, control finance (she controls the flow of my money), explore my hobby, choose my CCA, much chance to go online or much entertainment and toys.

I follow her orders to just study and ignore the rest, including friendship.

e.g. She used to tell me its ok to lose one friend, cos there are so many others in the class.

Friends are scared of me, despise me, laugh at me, no common topics.

e.g. when i was in pri school, my mom will go to my classmate and give him a good scolding in front of everyone for a little punch, even if i told her he was just playing with me. Remember i was to report everything to her.
e.g. i was oftened labelled as "mama's boy" and luffed at for my botak head.
e.g. since i was very limited to entertainment, i got almost no common topics with my friends.

Classmates outcast me.

e.g. outcasted since primary 1 till JC2.

I cannot learn to interact and socialized with ppl due to their outcast.

e.g. i dunno how to say the right thing, gain ppl's trust, understand ppl, not to disturb and irritate ppl, convey and express ideas to ppl, be polite and courteous, not to attract unnecessary attention, get ppl to listen to me etc etc.

I was given slight freedom, and then much more freedom.

e.g. i was able to go out on my own first time end of sec 4 and listen to music in sec 3.
e.g. i was able to choose my CCA the first time in JC.
e.g. i was given full control of my own grooming in JC.
e.g. i was able to plan time for myself and manage finance in JC.

But i soon realized i could not catch up w other developments and social skills, since others would have expected me to already gain these "skills" earlier. I had lots of problem learning them on a later stage as those are meant to be learnt gradually thru exposure when you are young.

e.g. it took me lots of practice to simply go shopping and traveling on my own in Singapore.
e.g. not able to fully explore my hobbies, like art, audio and IT.
e.g. when i was comfortable with going out on my own, to watch movie and do shopping, ppl are already going on to the next level of going for sleep over parities, balls or clubbing.

Classmate outcast me, still losing friends and gaining enemies.

Vicious cycle repeats.

I grew despair and depress.


My sis told me she also suffers from socializing problems, and that she seemed to be much backward in socializing and recreational activities compared to her classmates, despite her good grades. It seemed very plausible that its due to my mom's over-restriction.

During the last quarrel, or i would say "debate", cos i took it as a chance to tell my tots to her in a supposingly calm and systematic way, my mom cried the hell out after I told her me and my sister's views on her.

I also corrected some of her warped thinking like over-reliance on secondary or tertiary verbal accounts by her friend's son's wife's uncles's cousin yada yada, u get my point, without cross referencing to judge actions and facts.

I also reminded that going to school is much more than getting that cert, having a well rounded development in other areas is as essential as academic work.

I told her that its never ok to lose one friend, cos all friendship are precious, in fact more precious that tt dumb cert school gave.

I proved to her that over controlling kids are never healthy for them generally, me and my sis are living examples.

I showed her that her talking attitude is poor, and feels more like a command or chiding rather than normal conversation, and it turns me and my sis off a lot.

I conveyed that she is not willing to listen and process me and my sis's feedback and she proved it herself by keep asking the same question and breaking ppl's convo halfway.

I gave each person a chance to talk and i excepted and apologized for some points which are clearly my fault. This includes the fact that she got hearing problem and need us to repeat what we were saying numerous times.

But she turned agitated as the session goes, and end up on a one-side fall argument saying that we aint understanding enough to accept her above mentioned behavior that i deemed incorrect. Then she goes wailing about the house saying we should just treat her as dead and that she dun have children like us. Then she jumped into bed crying her heart out at a scary high volume.

The next day, i dint see her when i woke up. I tot something went damn wrong, but eventually saw her coming back with my dad and sis. I dint ask what happened. But the thing is, from then on, she became much better and understanding. She dun raised her voice anymore, and seemed to have less objections and controls over things around us. Though still naggy, she had brought it down to an acceptable level. She will now pause to listen to ppl instead of just going on and on.

Now that it seemed i had managed to restructure my family. All i had left now is to level up myself and get out of the outcast vicious cycle, and im doing it thru my regular online counseling. This job im having now actually serves as a trial for me to see how much i had improved.

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