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Saturday, February 13, 2010
Chinese New Year
[ZOMBiE CyGiG] ranted at 5:36 PM --- Post#8467558471258232725

I woke up to a mixture of CNY songs, incense fragrance and the chattering sound of kitchen utensils. The next thing that i realised is that i had not done any work since yesterday. This is actually nothing uncommon, but no doubt bore the guilty feeling.

I did my 5BX (pee, shit, brush teeth, bath and shave) and begin to sit on my chair and VR-Chatted. For some reason, the CNY festive feeling actually seeped into my cold n depressed room. I stood up n actually opened my windows (i usually keep them closed), took a deep breath n studied the scenery outside - a jungle of hdb n cars, overexposed to a warm yellow from the morning sun. 

I guess the feeling at that moment is what Dipa (my drawing lecturer) described as "feeling good". Its not that i had never have this tranquil n relaxed feeling before, it's just that all of them are short lived, reality will soon invade my delusion n shatter everything w stress n worries.

Like many other children (yes, im 12 yo), my source of stress comes from school. Probably mine went deeper as i take into consideration my seemingly smoky future, and my attitude problems.

I do realised that i lack a lot of motivation, and once i subject appears uninteresting to me, it will be hard for me to focus on it. I lose interest in things like i change underwear.

Maybe nowadays i need not worry much about my relationship with my classmates and extreme fear of new environment , as i believed that i had stepped out of the mental obstacle through counselling. Truely speaking, my relationship with my Lasalle classmates are way way way better than in class 08, where there is only like one or two person who i can speak to, where the rest avoided me like a plague. Its ether that AJC, my former class or me is truely fucked up. I will leave that answer to you readers. 

In singapore schools, holiday means more work. Despite being cny, there is no reduction in work load (in fact there is more) for us to actually enjoy our holidays. For me, my family don't really visit like 999 other families to tell them "gong xi fa cai", so i would still have some time to work. What about those who comes from big families or those international students? Will they have time to do work. Well, i believe that most people are hardworking enough. . . Unlike me.

The mood of CNY is just wrong. So superficial. Happy on the outside but down inside.

Although i am no longer in depression, im not that happy with my life still. First, LASALLE isnt quite what i expected. I keep thinking its a school for slackers and keeping up with times using digital media. Im so wrong. Its fucking xiong and a lot of modules still require me to hand paint for the entire artwork. Not to mention meaningless research n documentation.
This 'research n documentation' thingy isnt unfamiliar to me. I did it in DNT last time, which i hated so much, and my teacher told me to just focus on the end product n then fill it up later. But this method of working backwards isnt encouraged in LASALLE.

Digital based modules are like "touch n go" here. They give you lots of work in a very short time frame n expect you to learn photoshop or sketch up in that few weeks, one lesson a week. And they take up only a small fraction of the overall score.

Moreover, i have to spent tons of money buying art material that probably i would use only once or twice. And lots of stuff are overpriced in ArtFiend.

All these are not what i am looking at, seriously. But perhaps what i wanted is on level 1, which i will have to pass Foundation to get to. So everyday i ask myself, why am i paying money to a course that I thought i would like but in fact isnt quite the case. I joined LASALLE to liberate myself from typical tet education system and now i am stuck with this one. Good job zombie, good job.

How i wish i could be as hardworking or as talented as the rest. Wishful thinking huh. No wonder i fail in life.

Gong Xi Fa Cai! Hong Bao Na Lai!

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